Rumors: The Ugly Side of Small Towns...And Smaller Minds

Ron,

I wish I could say something that would make it all better.

I think the best thing to do is ignore it. If the mean people are looking to get a reaction from you, don't give it to them. Don't feed into the craziness. Stop letting them rent space in your head for free.

Those who pay attention to this nonsense don't matter. Those who matter won't pay attention to the rumor and will see it for what it is.

Ron, I agree with Brenda on this, the people that are spreading this toxic rumor are just not worth the effort. I understand your frustrations and anger about this, but you just can't give these cruel people the power to make or break you!

These cruel people just are not worth your time!

My wicked side says - start making your own rumours .......... feed this woman some juicy ones about other people and see how far they go ..... eventually the people of the town should realise they've been stitched up....

I find the best tactic in situations like these is to break out the tough skin and duck feathers, let it roll off. Most of the people hearing this rumour are people you don't care about, right? And the way to solve the problem amongst the people you do is to go and get an HIV test and then SHOW them the negative papers. They can't argue with solid, proven fact, right? That way the people that matter to you know the truth, and the rest can go stick a thumb in a certain place and spin. =) I now live in a small town, myself. Moved to a town of 500 people from Cleveland Ohio. It's a whole new experience, but I stay outta trouble by keeping to myself. I may get talked about for being liberal (my bumper stickers give me away) and keeping odds hours, but I don't really care. Let em talk, I say. No skin off my behind. LoL! Good luck with this terrible situation. I hope you can find the right conclusion.

Ron, I'm with the others. Live well, be happy, and don't let the bastards grind you down! I know that's easier said than done, but if you think about it, you might actually feel pity for them because their lives are so petty and small.

I now live in the city because it's so much easier to be anonymous and you don't have to worry about every thing in your life being known by everybody. The most embarrassing thing was having classmates in high school tell me that my dad was hitting on their mom in a bar the other night or they saw that my dad had a domestic violence ticket in the paper. Yeah I was that kid.

Your situation is difficult because it's something that is really personal. Sometimes the only thing that you can do is confront people about it. Talk to them slowly saying something like, "No, I do not have AIDS and I'd appreciate if you didn't say horrible things like that about me behind my back." Most people don't realize that they're being evil heartless people and are really shocked when somebody confronts them about their malicious rumor spreading.

Fighting fire with fire is never the answer that will give the best results when it comes to something evil like gossip.

My suggestions for the right way and wrong way to handle.

I agree with many comments above that the truth spoken in love is the best answer. I have seen people end this type of thing by confronting the liars and gossips directly without ire, asking for the proof they claim to have and concluding with a statement that spreading gossip demeans the gossiper not the intended victim telling them you hope that the same viciousness never happens to them.

And now, my evil side revealed:

Admit they are right to everyone, naming the people who started the rumor as the partners who most likely gave it to you.

Please do not do that. It was intended as humor.

Well, Ron, I don't have any good advice for you about your article that hasn't already been given. But, regarding Cynna's comment about finding someone outside of the community, that's a damn fine idea. She should know. She's my girlfriend, and I met her online when I lived in Indianapolis and she lived in Cleveland. Five happy years later, all is well, and here we are in our own small town now. I will tell you this about rumors, though: If rumors start to fly around about me (I'm not exactly what one would refer to as "normal", even in a big city) I'll do everything I can to perpetuate those rumors. The odder I act, the more I can weed out the people I do and do not wish to associate with. People who are accepting of my oddities can be assured of a lifelong friendship, those who don't will do best to stay away.

Good luck,
Kev

I would suggest an anti-rumor campaign. Every time someone asks you about it, tell them no, and make a comment to the effect that you don't know how anyone with a brain could have started or believed such a rumor. Give it time, and just keep repeating that every time someone asks you about it, or every time you overhear it. People are going to start questioning the competence and motivations of the people starting and spreading the rumor.

I don't have any good advice for you but I feel for you, Ron.

Learning the difference between those who spread silly gossip and disinformation, and those who can be more readily believed takes time. Typically those we trust and respect are among the latter, and are more than capable of recognizing bull@!$%#. Do you really care what people other than these think about you? If someone is stupid enough to judge a person they don't really know, their opinions will be of value only to those similarly impaired. So what does it matter, what they say of you?

But if you think this rumor is having some kind of actual impact on your life, why not simply address it? Although implied, you don't actually state you are HIV negative. If you've never been tested, it's not a bad idea to do so. If the test comes back positive, then this rumor actually was of benefit to you.....because now you know and can begin treatment and take appropriate precautions to avoid further spreading the virus. If negative, you get a nice euphoric surge of relief....even if you had no real reason to fear in the first place, plus an excuse to have a celebratory party or something.

Ron,

Next time anybody asks you about this rumor (provided you have never actually shared bodily fluids with the individual) just say "Why do you ask?". These people are displaying shockingly rude behavior.

Your health history is none of anybody's damn business except your partner and medical provider. That's it.

Ron,

I'm totally about confrontation myself. I live in a small town too. I'll bet, if you think about it, you can probably figure out who's most likely to be spreading these rumors.

Go up to them when you see them around town, smile broadly, tell them how wonderful they look, especially considering their condition. Offer to shake hands and wish them well. :)

When they ask, 'what condition?' just smile and say 'ah, so that's the way you're going to treat it, ok then, good bye.' And walk off.

Ron, I grew up in a town about the same size as yours (2,000 people) in Saskatchewan, which is the Canadian version of North Dakota, if not quite Texas. So let me say, brother, I know how painful gossip and rumours can be when you live in a microcosm...especially when you've lived your whole life there. In my case, I took the option Dennis recommended, and lit out as quick as I could. But I still love where I grew up, too, albeit not necessarily the most healthy kind of love.

What struck me about your article was the humanity inherent in it. People are much less likely to inflict cruelty if they're inflicting it on a real person and not some cardboard stereotype. I think if you were to publish this article -- with all its description of how terribly this behaviour has hurt you -- in your local newspaper, let's say as an opinion piece, it would win anyone of value over to your side.

Even in Saskatchwan (just like in Texas, I would venture to say) people know that it's the 21st century, and they know when they should feel shame over their behaviour.

(and if all else fails? My father used to use the Latin phrase Illigiteme non carborundum, which he said meant 'don't let the bastards grind you down.' Well, I know it's easier said than done, but try not to, at least. They are the slugs in this garden.