Ladies and Gentlemen, Mothers and Fathers, Brothers and, ugh...moving on...
Good people of Vineland we are, no we HAVE been infected with, affected by one of the most horrible diseases in modern history !!!
Zika, no...Bird Flu, ha...Pig...ugh...Swine Flu, don't make me laugh...the hideous and insidious Clap, you should ever be THAT lucky.
No, boys and girls, we're talking the deadly 'Pun', folks !!!
Yes, that age-old, over-used, poor excuse for humor, the pun. Yes, the pun is the worst literary devise ever conceived by man, or woman, or...And since their creation, only God knows when, puns have crept into every facet of our social interactions, such as...TELEVISION !!!
And yes again, television has breathed new life into the pun, and like Frankenstein's Monster, it may NEVER die, because of the dreaded TV. Television has become the single most insidious 'carrier' of this plague. And it IS a plague, and television has become 'Punniod Mary' if you will, and I hope and pray you wont...never mind !!!
I say it is time to eliminate the pun, sort of literary medicine if you will, and I pray...sorry...Yes, literary medicine, rid ourselves of the disease, and develop 'vaccines' to prevent this horror from infecting healthy minds !!!
Ask yourself how many times have you watched a show on TV, like a reality show or some such thing that has actual actors, but instead relies solely on a 'voice-over' who describes whatever passes for...something...
Anyway, you can bet the farm that the script he or she is reading is nothing but a bunch of puns, loosely tied together with some sort of situation, usually even THAT will rot your brain. And the delivery of the next little pun will be said as if it is either like Moses on that mountain dodging lightening bolts, or whatever God scratched the Ten Commandments with, and trying to snuff out the flames scorching the fuck out of his ass !!!
By the time the show is over, your ready to either kill what's left of that bottle of loud-mouth, throw the empty quart-bottle the living-room window, along with the coffee table, the broken-down chair your sitting in, the cat, the dog...Hell, anything within reach, simply because your to damned drunk to search for anything else to toss !!!
And what has caused you, a reasonably level-headed, law-abiding citizen who never drank a drop until the puns on the TV drove for the last many years finally drove him to drink...and madness !!!
I should be out of County Jail in time for Thanksgiving !!!